Hard to say Good-bye

The early childhood conference committee departed from the traditional format, venue and menu to present a full day workshop unlike any other for our organization.  The committee contained new volunteers, new ideas and an willingness to take risks. Once established and the roles were assigned the team quickly began performing and by the time of the conference everyone was able to relax and enjoy an inspiring and enjoyable day.  We were not ready to adjourn the committee immediately after the conference, but waited two weeks to enjoy the exhilaration.  To celebrate the committee met together for a nice dinner and reviewed the written evaluations.  For the first time in years there were very few complaints about parking and food; furthermore, the new format was extremely well received.  The characteristics of the group that made it hard to good-bye are: (1) the event results reinforced efforts to be innovative beyond what we had imagined; (2) individuals from competing stakeholders worked together cooperatively establishing new collaborative relationships; and (3) volunteers, participants and venders all left feeling refreshed and anxiously anticipating the next conference.

            When my Early Childhood Master’s program is complete I know I will miss the insights and provocation of the discussion board.  I have already been thinking about how I might be able to host a discussion board for my local colleagues.  I have always anxiously anticipated the weekly discussions. For a collaborative project to maintain its value and freshness I have learned I have to share the skills and experience.  Adjourning is a like a dandelion going to seed and being scattered by the wind.  If it simply stayed a yellow flower it could share its power.

Strategies to Resolve Conflict

What strategies could I employ to resolve a conflict situation with a co-worker? 

Studying the text this week provided labels for strategies I can use to improve the work relationship with a coworker with whom there is decided tension.  O’Hair & Wiemann (2012) identified my current strategy as “communication boundary management” (p. 228); however, the avoidance of communicating beyond surface topics has not improved the status of the relationship.  To determine two strategies that will lead to progress and resolve the conflict, I determined I needed to examine the source of the conflict. O’Hair & Wiemann suggest “conflicts arise when the costs of an interpersonal relationship outweigh the rewards” (p. 247).  Early in our work relationship I learned that I was being undermined and misrepresented by the co-worker to others in the department, which has led to trust issues.  I appreciated the encouragement from The Center for Nonviolent Communication (NVC) (n.d.) that proposes skills that “will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem” (p. 1).  Therefore my first strategy I have taken from Billikopf (2009), to buffer myself with NVC skills and bring the conflict to the coworker’s attention. “It takes more skill, effort and commitment to face the challenge together with the other person involved in the dispute” (Billikopt, 2009, p. 1). I am worried about the possible outcomes of avoidance, yielding, or no longer caring, and opening myself to the reality of the ways I have contributed to the problem.  However, the rewards of effective communication, and a positive relationship make it worth trying to change.  To prepare for the conversation The Third Side (n.d.) encourages “Going to the Balcony” (p. 1). First, I need to take time to prepare mentally.  Second, I have to be honest with myself about my emotions so they will not disrupt the dialogue. And finally, I must listen to understand.  I think the last step will be the hardest, as I must put aside old assumptions and judgments to discover a new perspective.

References

Billikopf, G. (2009, August). Conflict management skills. Retrieved from http://cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7labor/13.htm

O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2012) Real communication: An introduction (2^nded.). Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martins

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

Perceptions of Self

            I perceive myself to be a critical self-evaluator, believing that self-deception will not help me attain my goals.  I am not as anxious to get reality checks that are personal from others. After I took the communication surveys and wrote down my scores, I apprehensively called upon my daughter, a high school senior to complete the surveys.  I watched and listened as she worked her way through the task; I heard some laughing and saw furrowed eye brows above narrowed eyes glancing in my direction.  When she was finished, I asked if she had any comments.  “I have only seen you avoid talking in a small group if you wanted to observe them” (personal communication, A. Newby, 2013, March 25). Her scores were nearly identical to my own.  Next, I had a coworker complete the surveys; her comment was “I have only heard you be insulting once in the years we have worked together” (personal communication, T. Borchardt, 2013, March 25). Her scores were also very close to my own.  Okay, now what?  I obliged my carpool buddy to complete the surveys.  And found someone who just broke the score from moderate to significant in verbal aggressiveness.  What does that tell me about my driving, or the venting I do on the ride home from work?  Her scores for listening and communication anxiety were the same as the other participants and me.

            Insights from this week’s studies include the quote from the Georgia Banks story. “I never went through the things they’re going through.  But I can be a sounding board for good judgment” (O’Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 59).  I saw her role in the students’ lives as an active listener very powerful and a good reminder to be authentic when my experiences do not relate to the lives and experiences of the children and families I serve. 

            As a team we held a self assessment meeting this week, where we also invited parents to provide feedback on the goals we had set for the year. We explored strengths and weakness and next steps.  A foster parent shared that she had just enrolled her second foster child in the program and also brought a picture of the first foster child that had been through our prekindergarten program and was now reunited with her mother.  The foster parent said the girl has a sign on her bedroom door that says, “I AM GOING TO COLLEGE!”  Wow! That is powerful and relates to O’Hair and Wiemann’s (2012) explanation of the development of self-concept. 

“You develop a self-concept by thinking about your strengths and weaknesses, observing your behavior in a wide variety of situations, witnessing your own reactions to situations, and watching others’ reactions to you “(Snyder, 1979, cited by O’Hair & Wiemann, p. 47).

The messages we send to children and how we respond to them has the potential to make a significant difference in their life path.

Reference

O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2012) Real communication: An introduction (2^nded.). Boston, MA:

Bedford/St Martins

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

Intercultural Competency

One of the things I enjoy most about my job is the diverse team I have been able to assemble.  This week’s assignment asks me to consider the ways I communicate differently with different groups of people and those from cultures different than my own.  The reflection has given me an opportunity to realize that I experience greater difficulty communicating with the group of colleagues, my peers, who share age, race, religion, gender and educational status, than communication with the team of early childhood caregivers/educators.  I believe the difference is we have created a “third culture” to provide an environment that is mutually beneficial to the members and to the efforts to reach our goals.  Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond (2011) emphasize “creating a third culture acknowledges the different cultural contexts and interactions participants have experienced and seeks to develop a new context for future interactions” (p. 107). As I consider the coworkers that have come and gone over the past ten years, it would be fair to say the ones that chose to leave or were asked to leave were not able to adapt to the rules and expectation for respectful interaction unique to the culture we have created and the relationships which have been formed.  I believe the focus on a shared philosophy also brings the work group together. 

The Struggles and the Strategies: The peer group would be quick to define themselves as culturally aware.  However, Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond (2011) contend it takes more than sensitivity to develop intercultural competency it requires appropriate behavior.  As an example the community the program serves includes a Russian/Ukrainian population and to be representative of the children I have teachers that are immigrants of the former Soviet Union.  One of the first strategies we under took to improve our communication was getting a world map and looking at the locations of our birth homes.  We found that using Google maps to examine the vegetation and terrain, the location of cities and areas used for vacations helped us recognize ways in which we were similar.  A common cultural context we created at the center was a garden.  The families value gardening and appreciated the children experiencing gardening.  I am delighted when I see the children pick and eat a cherry tomato or a green onion from the garden boxes.  Another strategy was to learn familiar phrases to express ideas or provide guidance.  I wanted the English Language learners to see me struggle with Russian, the way they were struggling with English—they were helping me and were the experts.  One particular event impressed on me the importance of the effort to learn Russian.  The college employs several Russian immigrant facilities engineers, one of them went out of his way to assist with a maintenance issue.  I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his attention to our situation, so I asked one of my teachers to teach me to tell him in Russian of my gratitude.  It took me three days to learn the phrases to express my thoughts.  But I will not forget how deeply it touched him to be thanked in his home language.  My peers, not staff of the program, often comment on the non-standard English they hear when they visit; they ask why I have staff with noticeable learning disabilities working with children; they are uncomfortable with staff that have chosen same sex partners and others with body piercings; they question making space for a staff to practice her religion during holy days.  I do not see this as harmful or poor quality; I provide an environment where children learn to tolerate ambiguity by interacting with individuals different than themselves. Children in the program develop authentic relationships with others very different from themselves and will go out into the community with greater understanding the groups of people with whom they share the city. 

Reference

Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, J. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6^th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

A Communication Observation

Four friends were sharing pictures, enjoying drinks, smiling, laughing and taking turns speaking while demonstrating interest through eye contact, and nodding.  I assumed they were friends from the open body positions and relaxed give and take of the conversation until a phone message interrupted them.  The woman’s face became tense and serious upon receiving the message.  The next scene shows the woman face to face with a man seemingly agitated moving quickly about the room, pointing his finger, looking around for something, while the woman remained calm and without emotion and followed the man out the door coat in hand.  The type of relationship between the man and the woman was unclear except that they seemed to have a common goal.  When watching the program with sound my interpretation of the relationship between the four people at the beginning was confirmed.  They shared intimate experiences that indicated they were long-time very close friends.  I was surprised to learn the connection between the woman and the man was a business/mentor relationship.  And the finger pointing and urgent facial expressions were an emphasis of relevant information being shared to solve a problem.

Based on the initial scene between the friends, I concluded the second scene between them had the same tenor. I misinterpreted the second meeting between the four friends.  The woman’s expression changed from smiles and relaxed to uncomfortable, and then she left.  The woman had received a rebuke from her friends and left feeling a loss of status with them.  O’Hair and Wiemann (2012) explain “to send and receive messages that are effective and appropriate, you must be able to process information in a way that makes sense to you but also has a high likelihood of being accurately perceived by others. Schemas can help you do all those things” (p. 38).  Schemas can assist with perceiving communication cues, or hinder effective communication by creating selective perception. The body language of the characters in the program are much better understood when I can listening closely to the words and develop a concept of the personalities and dynamics.

Reference

O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication: An introduction (2^nd ed.). Boston, MA: Belfair/St. Martin

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