My colleague is returning to work after maternity leave. She came in with her new baby to visit and discuss the details of her return. A college employee caught a glimpse of my colleague and the baby and stopped to say hello. He said, “Is this baby number three?” She replied, “I have five children.” He responded, “Wow! That is a lot of work. I knew I had seen you pregnant at least three times. Let’s see, I started working here in ….. well, cute baby.” My colleague replied, “Well this is definitely the last.” He left the office. My colleague sighed, “I get so tired of people assuming that being a mother of five children is awful. I love being a mother and my children bring me such joy. People, in the grocery store, look at me like I am crazy. But I can take my children anywhere; they are great kids.” She went on to say she feels she has to give excuses for having more than two children and is so tired of the looks or comments from people that send the message, “Weren’t you pregnant last year?” The man’s comments were a micro-invalidation, that undermined my colleague’s real experience of being a mother. As we talked, I shared how much I have learned from her telling about her experiences and expertise. Reflecting on the event, I wished I could protect her from comments that devalue the role of mother she has chosen with enthusiasm and dedication. The man was friendly and warm in his demeanor, reinforcing the unconscious nature of his hidden message, that her family is not his idea of a desirable situation. It has increased my awareness of the psychological energy is requires to defend against a barrage of indignities.
Louise Derman-Sparks and Edwards (2010) confirms that “children growing up in families whose ways of life differ from dominant culture are more likely to feel devalued and excluded” (p.58). To guard against such discrimination Janet Gonzalez-Mena (2008) believes “that groups and individuals should be allowed, encouraged to hold on to what gives them their unique identities while maintaining their membership in the larger social framework” (p. 13). Dr. Derald Wing Sue (2011) challenges us to socialize and make intimate contact with people unlike ourselves to promote the accurate exchange of information rather than stereotypes (Laureate Education, Inc., 2011).
References
Derman-Sparks, L., & Edwards, J. O. (2010). Anti-bias education for young children and ourselves. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC).
Gonzalez-Mena, J. (2008). Diversity in early care and education (5th ed.). Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.
Laureate Education, Inc. (Producer). (2011). Microaggressions in everyday life. [Web video]. Baltimore, MD
Congrats to your co-worker. I understand how she feels, I use to get those looks when I took all my kids out. I had six and I was young so people thought they were mine by birth and they use to say the meanest things to me. Even though none of the children were mine by birth, I had legal custody of them and I raised and loved them like I had given birth to them.
ReplyDeleteWendy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. I think that is a great example of microinvalidation because the gentleman devalued and belittled her family and parenting culture. I think situations like these would be great for open discussions about culture and beliefs, if we could make ourselves comfortable enough to engage.